Friday, September 30, 2016

1,000 Things

1,000 Things I’d Rather Spend Money on Than Tricking Out A Cheap Old Car

Tweeted from September 2010 to February 2014 by @dmfwv


1000 Books
999 Music
998 A new couch
997 A horse
996 A second horse
995 Fix the barn door
994 Best Show 2010 premium DVD on eBay
993 @NewYorker subscription
992 Stocks
991 Fix bathroom mirror
990 Hotel for overnight trip to NYC with Miles to go to a museum
989 Maxfuncon 2012
988 Mail that package that has been sitting in my office since March
987 A Silver Satellite iPhone case with a hawk on it by @gogorabbit
986 WVU football tickets for Oklahoma game
985 New running shoes
984 @Thrasher t-shirts for the family
983 Just pay some bills
982 @WFMU shirts for the family
981 Give to my alma mater #WVU
980 A nice dinner with the family at Sushihanna downtown
979 Cottage cheese
978 A toy for Toby
977 Treats for Toby
976 New work shoes
975 Tickets for @jason_sims and @beepboop to go to NYC/NJ and visit the Best Show
974 Some new suits
973 More of those little rubber penguins
972 Yellow paint removal equipment for the city of Lewisburg, Pennsylvania, and its unfortunate pedestrians
971 Coffee for @SuperkeenOne
970 Light bulbs
969 A puppy
968 Anti-cat venom shots
967 Laser whip
966 Kayak
965 Soccer lessons
964 New home alarm security system
963 Gasoline
962 Chain saw
961 Youngstown State T-shirt
960 3-pound weights (2)
959 New bike for @tassava
958 New bike for @inspirebike
957 Cilantro, lime, and chips (current shopping list and they are stone cold OUT of cilantro)
956 Fix the lock on my steamer trunk
955 Little thing of orange paint to finish off the bathroom downstairs
954 Duck food, $.25 at a time
953 Birdseed for my bros
952 I’d figure out a way to pay someone to bottle the beautiful evening light
951 Pay someone else to cut the grass for once
950 Consultants
949 Chocolate covered ants
948 War Games on DVD
947 An old C64 with some games
946 Arizona football shirt
945 I’d contribute to the @marcmaron podcast effort
944 Ice cream
943 Hiking shoes that last forever and are waterproof for my impending walk in the woods with Toby
942 Haircut that I need bad right now
941 Yogurt, milk, cheese, lunchmeats
940 Pay someone to manage my fantasy football league
939 Fake glasses to make me look Lebron-smart
938 Mulch
937 New paddle board or two for @Blair_Raymond for her birthday
936 I’d start a foundation to install power windows and power locks in all the cars without power widows and power locks
935 I’d get tix for me and @holdingcourtpod to go see a Lasalle basketball game
934 Trail mix
933 A new iPhone 5 and maybe @lsobon can call me on it
932 Pay for some machine that blocks out all football communications
931 Maybe get an Amazon gift certificate for @maggieserota so she can buy as many rock bios as she wants
930 Tennis balls for Toby
929 Squirrel hologram generation device so the dog is always happy
928 Sushi at Sushihanna with the boys!
927 Posters at tomorrow’s poster sale #bobmarley #budlightgirls
926 Moon pies
925 More pillows for Toby
924 More $3.99 slingshots
923 I’d buy some t-shirts from Larry Gibson
922 Maybe I’d buy two tickets to paradise @Ed_Money_1949
921 Some chucks @danielralston: This Spin Magazine oral history of Chuck Taylors is so great. Read it!
920 Potato chips for everyone
919 Some malt liquor
918 Family portraits in oil
The 917th better way to spend money is to see Rear Window with an amateur photographer with a broken leg
916 Harry Houdini biography
915 CCR Greatest Hits
914 Tambourines and elephants
913 I’d support Johnny Buckeye’s Kickstarter campaign to plant buckeye trees ‘cross the land
912 Elevators for all the dog owners in the city
911 I heart NY T-shirts for everyone
910 Endow a tree in Central Park for @thehighsign to read Moby Dick under
909 Pay for Miles to take classes at the ICP in NYC (no, not that ICP, the other ICP)
908 Weekend trip to NY with the family to see sights like museums and the Empire State Building
907 Vagina
906 The End of Men
905 Towels
904 Books for O. Collared shirts too
903 Little Ganesh statues for the home and office
902 #ThebestshowonWFMU t-shirts
901 Soccer balls for @YettaFromCinci
900 Seltzer. Orange vanilla. Like a tough guy. Like @APMike
899 Kindling
898 Anti-nervous pills for @tabgirl
897 Stuffed animal mice and rats from Ikea for Owen
896 Anti-acorn helmets
895 Voice activation technology for my dog like in Up
894 Parasols because you’re never happy rain or shine
893 Walk-in freezer for @allisonthemeep
892 The End of Men for reals @hannarosin
891 iPhone5 for all callers on Comedians R Nuts @GaryThaSquirrel
890 I’d really like a record player that plays ’78s
889 Maybe a savings bond for Mabel via @heliumcell
888 iTunes Bob Dylan song for 1.29$, “Lay Lady Lay”
887 Memory enhancement pills to disperse the fog and clean out the cobwebs
886 Memory enhancement pills to disperse the fog and clean out the cobwebs
885 Membership to the Carnegie Museum
884 Pep pills man I need ‘em now
883 A brain for Scarecrow
882 A heart for Tin Man
881 Courage for Lion
880 An epipen for Buddy Ebsen
879 I’d buy this hat, patch designed by @ButterPatty
878 I’d buy me some slaw dogs at @genesbeergarden
877 The Attic of the Past
876 The Everlasting Minute
875 Some @benandjerrys ice cream!
874 Some @eddys ice cream!
873 Some @haggendas ice cream!
872 I want to buy new interiors for all these people on reality shows with awful paneling and overhead lights on all over the place
871 Hey we should all get us some carpet—wall to wall? Shag?—from @CarpetUnltd #premiumsubscriber
870 I’d pay you to post more dog pics so I can like them favorite them whatever
869 A third horse to break all the horse argument ties
868 I’d pay for tickets to see WVU play a neutral site football game at Heinz Field
867 I’d buy pumpkin pie // for everyone who wants some pie // my oh my // yes, my oh my
866 Hand cream
865 I’d get @sonicdork something nice for his birthday. Not just a card. Maybe a book
864 I’d pay someone to brush the dog’s teeth
863 I’d offer a reward to identify the dog of interest in the recent bathroom garbage vandalism case
862 I won’t be buying cantaloupe seeds; buried lopes in the side yard along pumpkin fence in hopes that they will grow in spring
861 I’d buy a thousand of these for my post-apocalyptic bourgeois army
860 I’d fix up these plaques for this man
859 I’d buy some dignity for the poor guys being led out of the frat blindfolded
858 I’d pay to sabotage the bilge pumps of the old for the benefit of the new
857 New @AimeeMann album this week
856 New @ACNewman album this week
855 Buy a t-shirt
854 Buy the new Will Oldham book @Doodleeedoo
853 Bad Company song for @Blair_Raymond Shooting Star $.69 iTunes
852 Thin Lizzy songs
851 Album of Bjork covering Bad Company songs
850 Self-publish my book about the therapeutic effects of winter darkness
849 Self-publish my treatise on oatmeal and blueberries @mocoddle
848 Self-publish my long form essay on baby bears
847 Buy a large format camera for Miles (check)
846 Buy a large format camera for Miles and ship it to the correct address (check)
845 I’d throw a party for all my new followers joining me on this introspective journey regarding how I’d spend money
844 Ammunition for the air soft rifle
843 MT @CarpetUnltd: We have over 17,000 floors to love all at low prices! Stop by today and see what we mean. #FlooringAmerica #flooring
842 Pay some taxes
841 I’d go back to Antietam with lil O
840 Stoat trap. I just saw a stoat and my impulse is to nab it. Look at it. Release it. But I need a proper stoat trap
839 I’d outsource the chapter of my cookbook on salmon to an expert like Miles or @mocoddle
838 I’d pretty much pay whatever to forget seeing the woman in her pajamas puking in the street. Glad it’s raining all day today
837 I’d get a subscription to @MotherJones
836 I’d buy @iamchrisblake a nice card of thanks for his tweet. But what if he sends a card back? Do I send him a card? When will it end?
835 I’d buy some more of these—the jewels in my crown of dullness
834 Drugs #CVS
833 They found a kitten at Lowe’s. I’d get him shots
832 I’d get that kitty a home. Not mine. But somebody’s home
831 Spending time watching the Til Tuesday and Labrador videos side-by-side on my computer. Perfect
830 New toothbrushes
829 Should I get another dog?
828 Squirrels by the dozen for Toby is what I’d get. Dozens
827 I’d buy more speculative Soviet Union fiction, tales of a world where the empire never collapsed
826 Self-publish my book about how to remind people that WV is not VA and is not in the south. I grew up 55 mile from Pittsburgh, OK?
825 Oh I’d pay to get back to Morgantown and see @SoutheastEngine at @GenesBeerGarden
824 Green beans
823 A haircut
822 Hazard lights for the biggest pumpkin in town
821 New hair shirt
820 Cookies at the cookie store. Mmmmmmmmm
819 Cleaning at the dentist. They love my teeth
818 Five-gallon diesel container. Don’t ask
817 New squiggly light bulbs for everywhere
816 App to count sheep
815 A walking tour of Nam June Paik artwork in DC for @helikopterit
814 I’d get @bitmapped a video of roads being built, old trains, and bridge implosions
813 I’m going to buy five gallons of diesel. I’m now willing to answer inquiries, via my press secretary @TobyForeman
812 I’d get Ken Hechler a cake for his 98th birthday. Bridge at Remagen is a fave movie by me and O
811 Dance like James Brown lessons so I can do a split like @Buesdad #hey #yeeaahhhh #aintitfunky
810 The large-format camera has purchased great happiness
809 I’m going to town on iTunesU and I’d probably pay a little for some courses though I’m glad I don’t have to
808 The Yale course on the Civil War looks to be gone and it was a great thing to listen to. I’d buy it before I’d buy neon piping for a car
807 I’d get a TVBGONE. I just turned off the tv in the waiting room. Garbage
806 I’d get a scanner. Sounds like fun
805 Purchase intercessions from the monks
804 New dog collar. For the dog
803 My own opossum trap
802 My own extend ladder to get on the roof
801 My own power washer
800 I’d provide @rachaelbagel some time with @TobyForeman
799 College tuition for the kids
798 I would totally pay for someone to make a video of @TobyForeman jumping over things. He is so graceful and light on his feet
797 Oh I’d pay for drinks at @GenesBeerGarden and listen to @SoutheastEngine with all my pals
796 I’d buy a book of pictures of him sleeping too. God, I am boring
795 I’d buy club sodas for everyone so we can toast our dullness. To dullness!
794 Wouldn’t it be great to share breakfast with @BobPirner and my Fairmont friends at Macateers? #BestInTown
793 I’d get me a hardcover copy of The Anatomy of Melancholy because it speaks to me but not for obvious reasons. #subrosaenglishmajors
792 I’d give a big hug to the guy who owns the truck with the flying WV because you don’t see those around here. *Technically a hug is free
791 I guess if someone patented hugs I’d have to pay him/her for everyone I give. To be on the safe side, no hugging
790 I owe @heliumcell a nickel for saying, “I’ll worry about anything” in a meeting. I said it again this week so now I owe him a dime
789 I bought tix to see these guys once. Worth every penny
788 Paying for Miles’s cell phone is so worth it. How else would I know that he is trapped in his own closet? I’ll keep paying for that
787 It looks like I need to get M a paper cutter and photo paper. A real darkroom would help. @jeremygroghan @rachaelbagel
786 I’d buy this. Why not?
785 I’d replace the missing horn from this morose bison
784 “Bleak House” by The Commodores .99$ on iTunes
783 I paid $7 to see Bully in the downtown theater
782 I’m going to pay to see the Marx Brothers film festival in October at the downtown theater
781 I’d get some down for @DammitJacqui
780 I’d buy the blue pill
779 I’d pay for this age to last a bit longer
778 I’d pay for the band to stop playing across town
777 Pumpkin muffins
776 I’d love to see a show at the Syria Mosque. Alas. “Two decades later, razing of Syria Mosque still a sore topic”
775 I’d get a time machine and return to Fayette County PA and visit our ancestors before they have a chance to burn us as witches
774 I’d go back to 1800s Fayette and take @jason_sims with me on my 2nd trip. We’ll take crates of @Robitussin and sell it like snake oil
773 I’d pay for the relocation of the poor little frog who has been in my basement for the past few weeks
772 For @unsarah, a gaudy bright GOLD sweatshirt and hat that says West Virginia. Money well spent
771 Tix to see Steelers and WVU football for @ASourAppleTree to see how the other half lives. #thewinninghalf #allingoodfun #couch #mccoy
770 And some slaw dogs too at the great @GenesBeerGarden
769 Autumn fun with the boys is free! I bought the chair and firepit though
768 I feel like I should pay for the funeral for the giant and highly productive green bean plant I just ripped up. #RIP #greenbeans
767 Art work from friends
766 Take the time machine back to the Syria Mosque to see Laurie Anderson in 1990 (?) with Giulia, great show. Warm night, 18 yo. #1000$
765 For @TrinityEer I wish a belated happy birthday and a full recovery. Try some bitters and Gatorade
764 Peace
763 I’d offer @hodgman a salary to be my mentat.
762 A penny for answers to the question: “Can you conduct an entire high school or college curriculum using free online courses?”
761 Mulch and some weeds for @ltaylor100 is a good investment
760 I’d pay to visit Delphi and consult the oracle while there, if she is still around
759 Just a new pair of shoes that will last
758 And a square foot rooftop garden for @ltaylor100 too
757 Cocktails for the supper clubbers back home!
756 Seljuk Turk haircut and tattoo
755 Iron elephant
754 Homemade calzones
753 I’d sponsor a contest to cultivate and train a Pennsylvania version of @bitmapped so I can feel informed about state happenings
752 I’d pay for this if it was for sale
751 I will buy more jeans at Walmart. Why? BECAUSE THEY COST $8! Dirty? THROW THEM AWAY!
750 I would get @helikopterit whatever she wants because she is on #990 and she does this better than I do.
749 I will need to buy more green beans for my self-portraits because I tore up my vines. @superkeenOne
748 I’d pay you to sound the horn in the distance at 10:40 every night if I ever live away from the railroad tracks
747 A plane. A big one
746 I gave to @hollowthefilm by @emcmillion and I found out my new friend @gardzina did too! Small world!
745 I’d get a CD of “Turkey in the Straw” played on glockenspiel for @jason_sims and make him listen to it all day so he knows how it feels
744 A new dog bed for Toby
743 A fellowship to study higher education
742 Buy How To Be Normal, How To Blend In on Amazon
741 Some anti-hacking protection for @peperoxors
740 Window-mounted weather station to monitor seasonal changes like grandfather did
739 Salted butter #landolakes (and then do the trick with the cardboard box)
738 Something nice for @krtwriter’s fine boys
737 I’d commission @sebertDBennett to fashion a stoat trap. He seems capable
736 I’d help Scott Gerber obtain a larger sample size of liberal arts colleges
735 Buy more T Rex fan fiction
734 I’d buy one of these shirts if it wasn’t 60 years old
733 I’d put one of these in my yard and scare the neighbors
732 I’d pay for pictures of your dogs
731 I’d rather get everyone a copy of this book. Great read!
730 Develop an app that helps you determine whether or not to put up an umbrella based on current precipitation
729 Monkey masks
728 I’d buy Memoir Is Murder #MorrisseyAutobiographyTitles
727 @pescami I can commission a study on the impact of the NFL ref strike on DIII football. Or are they self-policing at the small schools?
726 I’d pay for a tutor to help with homework. Not really. I like helping with it
725 A dumpster for @afarerkind
724 A dumpster
723 Flute and a flautist
722 Some scissors so that this sheep may be liberated from her wool chains
721 Pumpkin portraits make everybody happy!
720 I could get these things for my friends who are runners @Blair_Raymond
719 Dinner with little Batman at Sushihanna where I am currently mayor
718 I’d pay to attend this Scarf Seminar
717 I found something for @scharpling
716 I found something for @phillyboyroy
715 Id pay to see this happen, “squirrel goes rampage on my kitchen and escapes like a boss”
714 Panacea
713 More Beth Nardella artwork
712 Lynx pelts
711 Slurpee
710 I will not buy any more books because these bad boys stare at me and I can no longer ignore them #winter
709 Maybe toast this MT@wvculture: Sept 28, 1777 Capt William Foreman’s company was ambushed ... 21 were killed
708 I’d pay to enter this contest in Maine
707 I’d help @chuckwoolery land the role of the game show host in The Fountainhead film he has apparently been coveting
706 The head of a pin
705 Flowers for Algernon (book)
704 Flowers for Algernon (film)
703 Maybe get a DS-P1-Yu #70
702 Catch a flight to Vegas
701 Looks like I’ll need to find a backpack Toby can’t unzip and a lunchbox he can’t unzip! #baddog
700 Club sandwich
699 A banana suit for Andy--MT @AndyMascola: I want to dress up like a banana, dance around elementary school cafeterias, and sing ...
698 “I’ll have what he’s having” [said to lunch lady, pointing to the guy dancing and singing in school dressed like a banana.]
697 Flowers for Al G. Ernon
696 Wranglers Offer Loon
695 Sweet potato fries. Wave your hands in the air for some sweet potato fries
694 I’ll buy a single cubic foot of storage space in the warehouse and put an empty box in there
693 It would be great to spend time hanging with @Shelviswv watching a mountaineer game
692 Coming across this in a book by @Mike_Doughty_ about a life in music and drugs is nice #priceless #itsallabouthome
691 I’ll get the chips, salsa, pop, pepperoni rolls, and gasoline MT @Shelviswv: @David_M_Foreman I’ll bring the couch!
690 A big congratulatory bouquet to Notre Dame football for winning this year’s national championship, AP and UPI!
689 Butter and syrup for all of these things that would taste better with butter and syrup
688 Ice-cold seltzer water. Yesssssssssssssssssssssss
687 I’d love to purchase a greenhouse
686 Maybe a new board from @686snow !
685 Why buy “Call Me Maybe” when it’s everywhere? Lewisburg High Marching Band Homecoming 2012 @juliaturner
684 I would like to buy a bunch of 70s African pop music but where do I start?
683 I’d pay for a rock throwing contest entry fee
682 Dog shampoo
681 Ain’t buying no carrots any time soon. Plenty more in the ground.
680 A big bouquet for Geno Smith! Congratulations on winning the 2012 Heisman Trophy!
679 @StanfordBiz books
678 For @Blair_Raymond some ibuprofen
677 For @tassava some ibuprofen
676 Flowers for my garden after I rip up the tomatoes, zukes, and peppers
675 For @abwhittey a few more weeks of fruit and vegetable bounty #globalwarming
674 Mexican food
673 Yogurt
672 Faltwoods Monster tattoo @jason_sims
671 Monkey balls for you. Monkey balls for me. Monkey balls for everyone. @monkeyballs
670 Buy The Satanic Verses. 20 copies for yourself and the family. @englishpen
669 Mothman tattoo
668 The dog’s reaction to the BBC sound effects CD (Livestock 1 vol 34) is pretty amusing. Worth the ticket price
667 His reaction to the Industry CD is curious. He’s still on alert in case a goat walks in. I’d buy tix to this too
666 I would love to get a @waltersimonson comic book with a cool cover
665 I’d buy a 600th follower #599forever
664 Happy birthdays presents!
663 New bones for the birthday boy
662 Membership in @englishpen because the freedom to be ineloquent is very important. To me.
661 Red Cavalry by Isaac Babel. “The right to write badly was the privilege we widely used”
660 This would be worth a ticket to watch. @suck_city’s photo
659 No more crutches ever we hope for Miles. Back on his two feet. He even hiked. I’ll buy him boots!
658 $100 worth of stuff in a store downtown because “Country Roads” played on the radio they were broadcasting and I was moved
657 Game of Thorns
656 CD of sheep noises (check)
655 Fourth horse
654 Canvas cots
653 Colored contacts
652 Lunch at Keely’s Cafe. Alone. Again
651 I’d pay to put a contract out on the person licking their fingers at the table next to me, yes it’s that bad
650 Obama/Biden yard sign $5
649 I’d pay to be in the @Finslippy course so she can teach me to plan better lists.
648 @tassava: @David_M_Foreman A suggestion for your buying list. Get one for @Blair_Raymond, too. It’s good
647 I’d pay someone to tell the dog that @garythasquirrel is NOT going to sing. I can’t break the poor guy’s heart
646 Noise-canceling headphones
645 “Autumn Begins in Martins Ferry,” Ohio by James Wright
644 “A Blessing,” by James Wright
643 “In Response to a Rumor That the Oldest Whorehouse in Wheeling, West Virginia Has Been Condemned,” by James Wright
642 One of these
641 The Journal of Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon F157 .B7M27 
640 I wish I had bought but thankfully it is in good hands! @jakefogelnest @scharpling
639 New toys for my cousin @fromagewiz and his newly adopted children 
638 An ice cream sundae for @JulieFromCinci
637 Some popcorn for @JulieFromCinci
636 A statue of me, HO gauge
635 One of the Remedios Varos boats
634 One of the Remedios Varos bicycles
633 One of the Remedios Varos desks
632 More of the Remedios Varos keys
631 Settee
630 Baseball rule book for @AppleTMBini
629 A little house in the country by a stream
628 Cookbooks
627 Impracticality lessons
626 Chili dogs
625 Tickets for the nap train
624 I’d pay a dollar for someone in Austin to do this: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure “Deep In The Heart of Texas” #WVU
623 Fifth horse
622 Sixth horse
621 I’d love tix to see this show @SoutheastEngine
620 Fire extinguishers
619 Beef
618 Expectation management software for brain/heart
617 Apples from the apple tree. Cherries from the cherry tree. Though they appear to be the same tree
616 MT @CarpetUnltd: Today’s Sunday Salute goes to Dollar Store Crafts, a blog about thrifty craft ideas. #SundaySalute
615 A space in the Pajama Factory for a studio to hang out in and drink coffee
614 Bait
613 Mums. Hardy ones
612 Love is free. So is need
611 Cheap plants
610 Dessert for everyone!
609 Bob Log concert tix
608 Road trip to Milton, WV. #Pancake
607 Buy another of these because I always give my copies away.
606 Trilobites
605 Owen Davis songs on iTunes #heywhereyoufromimfromclarksburg
604 Watch batteries
603 End tables
602 More of this haircut from February 1997
RT @Eric_Branch: The #49ers have a franchise-record 601 yards ... and counting.
RT @NotJPo: Don’t ask me to dance unless there’s 80s music playing. And I’ve had 600 drinks. Then yes
RT @DunkinDonuts: We’llnotify our 599 Winners of the Dunkin’ Coffee Day Twitter Sweeps nextweek. Official Rules ...
598 I’d pay for a Tucker County WV snowball from Dolly Sods where it is currently snowing
597 A new boiler
596 A new hot water heater
595 Get rid of the giant oil tank
594 I’d go to a church being torn down and buy the stained glass
593 I’d pay someone to bring the plants in off the porch
592 I wish I could handle helping with homework as well as Toby is tonight. He bought the chill pill
591 I’d like to buy whatever bronzer @chuckwoolery is using it and apply it to my worst enemies
590 Coffee coffee and more coffee (decaf)
589 Little rubber bands for braces for a kid I know
588 Water pick
587 RT @WVUEberly: National Book Award Winner Jaimy Gordon to Give Reading as Sturm Writer-in-Residence
586 A light meter for Miles
585 Tootsie rolls and pops
584 Le Jete (1962)
583 A boat or maybe just some skis
582 Shoes for the children with no shoes on their feet
581 For @YettaFromCinci spending money on would be a worthwhile investment
580 My mom made this portrait but I’d pay for it if I had to because it’s so nice
579 This one too
578 New geographies for all the old geologies
577 Family crest tattoo
576 Sleepwalker CDs and concert tickets! Morgantown’s best music
575 Voice for the mute; heart for the cruel; hot dogs with slaw for all the ladies
574 Onions for my tomatoes and the imminent salsa
573 I’d get @sshook6 a Bruce Irvin tattoo
572 Bottle of hooch for @jason_sims
571 Soccer shoes and shin guards
570 Butterflies
569 Wondering how I’ll spend the advance for my upcoming book, Overheard on a U14 Soccer Team Bench
568 An umbrella
567 Cat-sitting reinforces that we are not cat people. So maybe buy dog food, dog toys, dog kerchiefs but no cats or anything for cats. Blech
566 Knives and forks
565 Rising Creek tomato gravy
564 Rising Creek salt-rise bread
563 I’d love to buy this painting by Francisco
562 A fresh young pig
561 Giant church owl
560 Poor people food. Tomato gravy and salt rise bread
559 Courage for Lucy
558 Homegrown pork
557 Homegrown/homemade mustard
556 Grilled pizzas
555 Bamboo crossbows
554 Tudor’s Biscuit World
553 Toys for Willie the Woodle
552 In Altoona, PA, B&N @hodgman occupies the “hot corner” of the new paperbacks. That’s where big sellers live
551 New flags
550 Dog walking pills
549 A pair of the Rowdy Roddy Piper glasses
548 I’m in the market for a buffalo head
547 I need to hire pumpkin movers. Tonight we move the pumpkin
546 A carving knife
545 Salt
544 Enough money to give to the Best Show so I could hang out at the studio
543 Tickets for Marx Brothers movies this weekend @thehighsign
542 I’d frame this pretty picture of campus
541 The Shining
540 Marx Brothers box set
539 Ceiling fan duster
538 Awesome in a bottle for @jason_sims but he probably don’t need it
537 My own drone
536 A filing cabinet
535 A second filing cabinet
534 Chickens
533 Chicken wire
532 Chicken food
531 Chicken jackets
530 Chicken hats
529 Chicken scarves
528 Baby pig
527 I’d pay for copies of all the records Meg and I played in the summer before college at @wvbcbethany #catheads #vu
526 I’d pay for more giant pumpkin hunts
525 I am not buying ringtones. I am making ringtones out of song snippets “Under My Thumb” makes a great ring tone, but for whom?
524 Some adrenaline for this guy
523 A wooly worm contender in the fifth
522 I seriously need new running shoes. O and his friend Sasha ran 2.47 miles with me this evening! #feethurt
521 A new mouse, cordless
520 Sheep through the local “adopt-a-sheep” program! #LambingSlumberParties
519 Defensive Coordinator for WVU—pay extra if I need to for a good one. @TrinityEer
518 Winsor McCay Early Works Vol IX. Great find at @olliesoutlet for $2.99. He did Gertie the Dinosaur and Little Nemo.
517 Three Stooges props at the hardware store
516 The Encyclopedia of Appalachiacheap at the local @olliesoutlet. DM me if you want a copy
515 I’d pay to be in the writer’s room for Call of the Wild Man for the episode when he caught a beaver in a coal mine
514 Protein powder
513 A maul
512 Laces for my worried shoes
511 More horses
510 Bayonets
509 Vacation tour of the Maginot Line
508 One of those stamp making things that impresses your name and initials on paper like for a book
507 More Saul Bellow
506 More acorn squash
505 Bob Dylan music
504 Entire Twitter database of tweets
503 More potted plants
502 A rabbit
501(c)3-PO #nonprofitjoke #starwars @cpreston
500 More dog biscuits for our dog friends
499 Additional dog biscuits for our dog friends
498 Bail and attorney fees for “1,000 Things” list guest host @jason_sims so he can put the Waffle House kerfuffle behind him
497 My @lowtimes bad rock n roll T-shirt design
496 Getting a tonsure @ltaylor100
495 New clothes every season for everybody #fresh
494 Batteries
493 I want the @nowah @tedleo shirt on the @lowtimes podcast website. Simple. Elegant. Redundant. Not white
492 A Nina. A Pinta. And a Santa Maria
491 Gold Bond #motioncapturesuitdayfive
490 Skeleton key
489 Gasoline and canned goods
488 This light for I am its moth
487 Batteries and radios
486 New iPhone case
485 Sexy Abbott and Costello costume
484 Sexy Invisible Man costume
483 Pussy Riot costume
482 Black coffee
481 Discipline. The King Crimson album
480 Padded envelopes
479 Stamps
478 Bankers boxes
477 Shakespeare concordance
476 Pynchon concordance
475 Complete works of Emily Dickinson
474 Best American Comics 2012
473 Llynx pelt shampoo
472 Llynx pelt conditioner
471 Llynx pelt mousse
470 A list of all the words that are both noun and verb
469 Warm weather for a week in the higher elevations along the Appalachian backbone
468 Drawing lessons
467 A third down conversion for the Steelers
466 Stickum for Will Johnson
465 More Ben Katchor graphic novels
464 $50 for @WFMU to help maintain free-form radio in Amercia
463 A video or DVD of dogs running out on the field
462 New sweater vest, red
461 New sweater vest, tan
460 An endowed fund dedicated to new skateboards and shoes
459 Lottery tickets
458 A new idea to pursue
457 A gun
456 Lampshade hat from Spencer’s
455 Skymall catalog
454 A muffler for that idiot outside
453 New dog bed
452 Ukulele
451 A good dog feet washing system
450 Giant sock monkey
449 An ugly bright gold WVU shirt
448 A sofa bed
447 Bento box
446 Knuckleball lessons from R.A.
445 Police lights for my bike
444 Orange Dry Polar seltzer waters
443 Gary Puckett’s Greatest Noncreepy Hits
442 A cape
441 Capers
440 Portable escape hatch
439 Crepes
438 Virginia creeper
437 Membership dues for American Electric Blanket Appreciation Society
436 A bag of manure
435 Buttered horse skin pies
434 Sixth horse
433 Guess How Much I Love You
432 The Missing Piece and The Big O
431 Owen
430 Dave Parker Topps 1979
429 Dave Parker 1976
428 Dave Parker face mask
427 Dave Parker tokin’
426 Dave Parker Brewer
425 New Ikea bookshelves
424 Reagan shirt
423 Wilson stamp
422 Ford cuff links
421 Fresh fruit
420 Clinton corkscrew
419 Obama acid papers
418 Bumper crops
417 Oil paintings of fruit
416 A chain saw
415 Bird seed
414 Earbuds
413 RT @robhatchmiller: the best food in NYC [Szechuan Gourmet]
412 A Pittsburgh Steeler shirt
411 Hydraulic lift
410 Twizzlers
409 An iron maiden
408 Grooming more often for this dog, this golden doodle, this wet-nosed bastion of love, this Toby
407 Fog horn
406 Leg horn
A special guest @tassava will tweet as part of my 1,000 things I’d rather spend money on instead of fancy crap for an old car!
RT @tassava: I’m guest-tweeting for my friend @DMFWV, who is listing 1000 things he’d like instead of tricking out a car. 405: @salsacy ...
RT @tassava: 404 Each month, a 12-pack of beer from anywhere but the Midwest
RT @tassava: 403 A personal trainer to help me lose all that beer weight
RT @tassava: More things I’d buy: 402. Winter cycling shoes.
RT @tassava: 401 A lifetime supply of running shoes for @ShannonTassava
RT @tassava: 400 A cabin
399 a case of PA beer for @tassava in thanks for guest tweeting this weekend
398 1979 pack of Topps baseball cards
397 Anti-Super Bowl filter for everything
396 Another haircut when will it end
395 iTunes gift cards
394 Invisibility cloak
393 Seventh horse
392 Eighth horse
391 First folio
390 Pews
389 Bibles
388 Car wash (**a car wash is routine maintenance not needless accoutrement fetishizing)
387 Neck gators for warmth
386 Shrimp tempura
385 Quaker oats
384 Coffee and mashed potatoes for @nowah and @BeTheBoy during their LA Raymond Chandler tweet up
383 Ninth horse
382 Tenth horse
381 Sun lamp
I’m at Dee Jay’s BBQ Ribs & Grille (380 Three Springs Dr., Weirton)
379 Seeds. Spring is coming
378 A book of my self-published tweets, $11.99 plus shipping
377 Can of paint
376 A moleskin for Miles. Like a real skin from a real mole. A mole pelt if you will
375 A photography book for Miles
374 Murakami book for Miles, but not the one about the subway attacks
373 Second folio
372 Eleventh horse
371 A new blender. One that works
370 Dreadful crows
369 Miso soup
368 New phone case
367 Sushi
366 Low-level hum machine for the office
365 Rubber Soul on cassette
364 Jumpsuit, blue
363 Jamaican blue mountain coffee because it really is better
362 Twelfth horse
361 Chains for my XMas future costume
360 Roundabout audio cassette by Yes
359 Snake cages
358 Energy bars
357 Thirteenth horse
356 John Candy movies on DVD
355 A coupla new pair o’ pants
354 Lava lamps for everybody
353 Books about Japanese baseball
352 Whiffle ball bat and balls
351 Rubber Soul on vinyl
350 Panties
349 Christmas music canceling headphones
RT @nowah: 348 a classic “Che Leno” design @JeShirt size medium—good choice!
347 Fourteenth horse
346 Thimbles
345 Soccer balls
344 Coffee cups
343 Bat boxes
342 Energy bards
RT @nowah: 341 I hear you can buy twitter followers @DMFWV—Thanks @nowah !!!!
340 The big goose in the window
339 Power for the Super Dome
338 Orange cover jacket with fishlike interior for running
337 Beta Ray Bill issue of Thor —one of my all-time favorites
336 Solar-powered phone charger
335 Twitter lessons for @scrablepro
334 Turkey basters
333 Truculent snakes
332 Baseball
331 Tattoo of Ursa from Superman II
330 Third folio
329 Cheese danish
328 Brown gloves
327 Sausage, spƤtzle, and scotch eggs yum
326 Fourth folio
325 Low-level hum machine for the home
324 Dog food for the puppy bowl athletes
323 Moby Dick for @JulieFromCinci
322 More kale sausage soup
321 A 2013 @jason_sims Sadvent calendar with a new insect, pill, or unknown foreign substance under each window
320 Set of Shakespeare plays on video
319 The Milton Public Library Building
318 Peas porridge hot
317 Comic books
316 Removal of Ursa tattoo
315 Ted Leo tshirt design from @lowtimes competition @nowah
314 Pie
313 Fifteenth horse
312 Rubber Soul on CD
311 Razor blade paint scraper
310 The Philosophy of Andy Warhol
309 Sixteenth horse
308 A better way to keep track of these things
307 Buzzards
306 Presidential creamers
305 Snakes
304 One of these signs
@johnmjones #engl303 it lets people from a variety of perspectives, locales, and experiences to participate in a conversation in real time
302 A dream
301 Panera broccoli cheddar soup for O
300 Another horse. Another horse. My kingdom for another horse
299 Wifi for the mom and pop diner
298 A bigger locker these things are tiny
297 Campaign war chest
296 Barbecue sauce
295 Some @GorilIaMunch
294 Caftans
293 Tomato gravy on my toast
292 Panda hat that fits
291 All the Ramones documentaries and concert videos
290 Display case for my fossils and meteorite
289 Those new waffle chicken chips for @TimBolling
288 Documentary Kickstarter funding for a piece about the history of the Italian community in North Central WV #homemadesauce
287 Documentary Kickstarter funding for a piece about the history of the Swiss community in Central WV
286 Documentary Kickstarter funding for a piece about the history of the Spanish community in North Central WV
285 Documentary Kickstarter funding for a piece about the history of the African-American community in WV
284 A respectable winter hat
283 A respectable haircut
282 Oxygen
281 Milk
280 More pillows
279 White Goods season 1 DVD set with writer/director commentary
278 Time machine that goes back one minute. #replyall
277 Whale tattoo
276 A pledge to @TerreCherry and her show on @WFMU today. Cherry Blossom Clinic carries the torch for original rock n roll like nobody else
275 An hour with Dick Van Dyke
274 Dog bath for Toby
273 Melatonin
272 Fanny pack
271 Bluetooth ear piece
270 Water jug backpack
269 Another chance at those #arrowsticks
268 Smiley face tattoo
267 Elvis tattoo
266 Decorative plate, Aquaman design
265 One of those pretzels for the kids
264 Books about baseball
263 Three bags of cow manure
262 New pitchfork
261 Vermiculite
260 Your old worn PIL shirt you don’t wear anymore (XL)
259 Cheap sunglasses (I’m not above wearing a pair that I find)
258 Tickets to a Bucs game. I haven’t attended a game since 2009 :(
257 Pork chops
256 Pork chop rub
255 One more cup of coffee for the road
254 Fleetwood Mac Rumors LP on vinyl produced by a 3d printer
253 Recovery expedition of the Colonel Sanders statue that caused the Hanshin Tigers curse
252 Yomiouri Giants ball cap
251 Hard hat
250 Collar for the dog
249 Antirattlesnake app
248 Golden underwear
247 New round platter
246 BigK grape 2 liter
245 Antisnake door dams
244 Pickled ramps
243 Superman costume
242 Birthday cake for West Virginia
241 Sunscreen
240 Beach towels
239 Well bucket
238 Rope
237 Well
236 Pep pills
235 Two-pound weights
234 Copies of Paradise Lost for folks in need
233 Yards in the first half? Whoa
232 Bosch tattoo
231 Bosch pics of Jesus
230 Moon pie
229 Pirates hat
228 Beets
227 Corn tomato pie
226 Dog portraits
225 Paint for the porch
224 Paint for the door frame
223 Sunscreen
222 Gold for thee
221 Pirates ball cap
220 Plugs
219 Pugs
218 Sugar
217 Coffee beans
216 Nostalgia blocking machine
215 Aspirin
214 Sun glasses for the cats
213 Ada by Nabakov
212 Rush CDs
211 Fiesta ware
210 Warm hat
209 Mattress
208 New spool of cord for the weed whacker
207 Glass dome for my found elephant
206 Dog food
205 Subscription to The Economist
204 Autographed 1979 Dave Parker card
203 Tix to Lowtimes show
202 Trim and wash for Toby
201 Cat picture frames
200 A sword
199 Eye black
198 New Neko Case album
197 @tassava
196 Whipped yogurt
195 Peanut butter and caramel mix
194 Coffeeeeeeee
193 Yellow finish line ribbon so I can feel like I’ve accomplished something
192 Whipped cream and other delights
191 A warm blanket
190 Guano
189 Popcorn
188 A ride in Sun Ra’s time machine
187 Seventeenth horse
186 English muffins
185 A good book about growing brussel sprouts
184 A nice edition of Paradise Lost
183 A new knee for lil Mimzie
182 A “Cobra” fat head sticker for @neelc13 ‘s living room
181 Fancy shoes for dancing
180 “About Face”
179 Peter Pan original text leather bound illustrated
178 Attorney fees for reinstating the nonprofit status of the ICCP
177 Justice for the ICCP 9
176 ICCP swag
175 Ultralight
174 The blue pill
173 Glass eye from my friend Chris A
172 An OED
171 A kangaroo
170 Grapes of wrath
169 Recording of the Swedish chef singing the “Battle Hymn of the Republic”
168 Cheese for a dog #TobyTips
167 Book about Japanese literature
166 Bacon
165 OJ
164 Milk
163 Eggs
162 The sword of heaven
161 Olives
160 The clock of Archimedes
159 Art photographs in Williamsport
158 Acme BBQ in Williamsport
157 Little spatulas
156 Little whisks
155 Little rubbery spatulas
154 Post-it notes. Yellow
153 Sonic Youth t-shirt
152 Amazing Spider-Man issue 152
151 The Mighty Thor issue 151
150 Dallas Latos costume for Halloween cc: @rumbunter
149 Femforce issue 149
148 Marvel Team-up issue 148
147 Captain America issue 147
146 The Incredible Hulk issue 146
145 Daredevil issue 145
144 Avengers issue 144
143 The Uncanny X-Men issue 143
142 Iron Man issue 142
141 Spectacular Spider-man issue 141
140 Defenders issue 140
139 Strange Tales issue 139
138 G.I. Combat issue 138
137 Conan the Barbarian issue 137
136 Fantastic Four issue 136
135 Mad magazine issue 135
134 Rolling Stone issue 134
133 International Sandwich and Snack News issue 133
132 Bob Coulson baseball card
131 Victor Starfin baseball card
130 More short books
129 An expense of spirit in a waste of shame
128 Some Unbioctium
127 The Hours
126 A baby goat for Toby to play with
125 Neil Young box set
124 A new copy of The Mothman Prophecies by Keel
123 A new book
122 The Tempest on google glasses :|
121 NASA headpiece with Bluetooth headset like in Gravity
120 An Ariel
119 A Caliban
118 A Gonzalo
117 Marvel Team-Up issue 117
116 Dictionary
115 Oreos
114 Gorilla Munch cereal
113 A kayak. I need a kayak or two
112 Best American Comics 2013
111 Pay my son for a nice portrait
110 Transformer
109 Metal Machine Music
108 A new copy of The VU & Nico. Mine is missing
107 A bald eagle
106 New towels
105 Emu oil
104 Cereals
103 Shin guards
102 Hankies to dry my tears
101 Depeche Mode cassingles
100 Bottles of beer
99 Taco cheese
98 Sushi. Fairmont roll (hot dog rolled in sticky rice)
97 Pork and asparagus
96 More lynx pelts
95 Eighteenth horse
94 Tickets to see the Toughman Contest
93 Coin sorter
92 Turkey baster
91 Tooth paste
90 Yearbooks with Brad Paisley in them
89 A tattoo of the state of a West Virginia #montanisemperliberi
88 Lynn Swann football card
87 Some francium in my pantsium
86 Andrew Dice Clay action figure
85 A copy of The Odyssey
84 A horse so I can horsewhip somebody
83 Waders
82 John Stallworth card
81 PIL MP3s
80 Rubber chicken
79 Dave Parker replica jersey with airbrushed cocaine stains
78 MGMT tickets
77 Little West Virginia flag
76 Subtweet decoder ring
75 Giant magnifying glass attached to a giant fake animal horn
74 Whistle
73 V-neck sweater. I prefer dark colors
72 Little Nemo in Slumberland Vol 2: Many More Splendid Sundays!
71 Dress pants W: 52 L: 26
70 Pictures Showing What Happens on Each Page of Thomas Pynchon’s Novel Gravity’s Rainbow by Zak Smith, Steve Erickson
69 Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius of Dutch Soccer
68 Peppermint Soap 1 gallon
67 Karaoke machine
66 A Dhalgren shield: “Be true to yourself that you may be true to your work. / Be true to your work that you may be true to yourself”
65 Summer sausage
64 Cheese
63 Crackers
62 Grooming tip for Ashley
61 Sock monkey
60 Sheetz yogurt parfait
59 I’d get some books about baby penguins by @MelissaGuion
58 A PDA
57 Sunglasses like Yoko Ono
56 Ibuprofen pills
55 Chicken soup with rice
54 Scooter like in Quadrophenia
53 Soccer net
52 Death mask
51 Tombstone
50 Flowers. For my gravesite
49 A promise with a catch
48 A joey
47 Triangle
46 Horse mane conditioner
45 Some small records
44 Curtis Mayfield songs
43 House plants
42 Pie with candles sticking out of it
41 One of these things
40 XL WFMU and Cherry Blossom Clinic shirts
39 I just want all my old Queen CDs back, all the ones I used to own in the 80s.
38 Some of those cool felt tip pens
RT @eehouls: 37 install a sink in every room. (cc: @DMFWV)
RT @Mikey_Roberts: 36 several seasons of Seinfeld on DVD, some new, some used. @DMFWV
RT @theygotemma: 35 a nut milk bag @DMFWV
RT @TheRealTavie: 34 a case of old-timey seltzer bottles (seltzer not included) @DMFWV
RT @outragedmom77: 33 an excuse to dress up, go somewhere fancy, and eat steak tartare. @DMFWV
RT @mr_everythimg: 32 custom made Nudie Suit @DMFWV
RT @Candace07: @DMFWV 31 a bagel
RT @FredFromHon: 30 Dog Slippers cc @DMFWV
RT @GreggersP: 29 a set of mother-of-pearl caviar spoons @DMFWV
RT @bakesale77: 28 A Straight From The Heart bouquet from 1-800 Flowers @DMFWV
RT @MelissaGuion: 27 A full bolt of royal blue organza @DMFWV
RT @RoxyLange: 26 a weekend in Palm Springs at Frank Sinatra’s old home @DMFWV
RT @ajc: 25 cash registers infected by malicious software after date Target said it removed all the malware from its system.
RT @hopiecan: 24 fancy camera, gretsch guitar for me and an airstream trailer for my parents, also NASA @DMFWV
RT @theleanover: 23 A bedside table that’s also an automatic doughnut machine @DMFWV
RT @lollydeskpotato: 22 @DMFWV: A Toby time machine so that Toby lives forever
RT @mcb3000: 21 A complete collection of Penguin Classics paperbacks. cc: @DMFWV
RT @nowah: 20 a wisdom tooth extraction @DMFWV
RT @nprevenas: 19. The Land Before Time on LaserDisc cc @DMFWV
RT @holdingcourtpod: @DMFWV 18. Black boxes from downed aircraft
RT @GreggersP: I liked @DMFWV’s list even before I knew what it was and now with everyone pitching in towards the end it’s my favorite thing
RT @kellyhawke: 17 Tonya Harding’s Celebrity Boxing official boxing gloves (without authenticity) (cc: @DMFWV)
RT @MeaganSnyder: 16 Juice cleanse @DMFWV
RT @SebertDBennett: 15 A better appreciation for how the flaws of others relate to our own @DMFWV
RT @3x1minus1: 14 A lifetime subscription to Zoobooks magazine @DMFWV
RT @RobertLong4man: 13 Pancake batter @DMFWV
RT @maggieserota: 12 Pilot episode of Trapper John MD. On Betamax. And some chump on eBay drove the price up @DMFWV
RT @guan: 11. Lifetime supply of lobotomies @DMFWV
RT @nowah: Feel a huge sense of loss for @DMFWV’s list of things he’d sooner spend money on than souping-up a car. But touched at everyone pitching in.
10 Many more adventures for these guys
RT @frilar: 9. A little piece of land just off of Old Topanga Canyon Road @DMFWV
8 good health for a lifetime for my family and friends
7 “Sweet Jane” mp3 implanted in my ear via aural technological breakthrough
6 Camera lenses and darkroom stuff
5 For everyone
The Anatomy of Melancholy
3 This guy’s love captured in a bottle that lasts forever
2 turtledoves
1 a bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and honey, maybe a little yogurt too